Life is good, but I got the blues. While they're not life threatening, they are still 'basic blues'. Including less of the financial, career, stubbed my toe somewhat trivial blues. They're more of the terminally unresolvable catch 22s of life topped off with a lingering and embarassing case of an undiagnosed (and confusing) personality disorder. (Exactly what an embarassing undiagnosed and confusing personality disorder is in this case will be explained)
All these "blues" have pretty much secretly taken over my life now since Oct 2010, 5 months.
As I see it, these blues are apart of a cycle that I've been in almost since birth.
At first I believed them to be due to some error on my part, like I was broken. Seeking to fix this, I made deep inquiries into my inner most being. I searched my own recollection; questioned & examined physical evidence of the situations and reasons, and even questioned others about their perceptions of what was wrong with me.
Not once have I ever come to any solid conclusion.
I was told my problem lay in my negativity. I was told people didn't like be because of an overly positive attitude. I've been told I was too nice and too mean. I've been told it's because I "act like a psycho", but I actually stopped doing crazy things on purpose in public almost a year ago, and now am being called boring and have even less people that like me than ever. After careful consideration I came to the conclusion that my "blues" are completely caused by the fact that a truthfully large portion of people just don't like me. When I ask for reasons from the people that don't like me I get these mixed responses, and those few that do like me and that take notice of the phenomia don't have answers.
This mysterious flaw cannot be repaired if it is not identified. I try to please, but barely.
.....let me explain...my family dislikes me. I've been trying to win them over for years because they're my family. We're a small family, 4 immediate members, and no first cousins on either side. My mother calls me out of the blue to tell me I'm stupid in so many words, and when my sister has the opportunity, she poisons anyone she can trick against me with a game she's been playing since the beginning.
I've tried to please them, but it is to no avail.
I have no friends. I was isolated and picked on because of my hair color from day 1 in school, so that made me recoil from society. Like a mad scientist.
Yet I can't afford an island for my evil lair, and still kind of dig humanity even though they don't like me. I still subject myself to the pain of rejection and still try to make nice with my family.
When I ask the one that is closest to me "what's wrong? Why does, noone care?" I get nada. Nuca.
This is the cycle, until I am a hermit, or made of stone will the blues lift from me.
Lame.
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