Then there was this reality....
What the fuck have I been doing?!
No, I really need to know!
So I have been broken for awhile, and only dating a half normal man brought it to the surface. I am broken but I didn't know or how badly.
Things that are not normal are normal to me.
The unacceptable, acceptable.
I had a magical experience with a man, and I thought it was a short cut to escaping myself. I thought he was going to give me a job, a new identity, and a new group of friends. I was so greedy and lazy I thought I had hit the easy route to a new self to escape the sins of my own.
(I can't believe I am only realizing this now. I am ashamed.)
When it wasn't breaking down that way I was resentful of the work I had to do to grow myself. I was mad because I was lazy. Pathetic.....
I forced myself where I had no place, instead of getting to know someone at the pace they were comfortable. I pushed and dominated. I smothered and overwhelmed because I had feelings of my own.
I have been selfish and greedy.
I only see this now that it is happening to me. I only realize what is going on because I am fearful of the gangster shit I did and planned out over feeling resentment and misunderstanding.
I was treated great, I was just spoiled.
Now it is happening to me and I have to shut it down because I know how I felt. How irrationals my mind was, and how capable a broken person is of doing harm.
Today I feel like I see a new perspective, because I want more than the one I had. I am no dummy, and I see what I can have or had. I see what I poisoned and what I allowed sunlight to grow. It is what you leave to grow that cultivates the deepest roots.
So I love someone, so what. It is not their problem, but my own. My forcing my feelings on someone/anyone is toxic. There is no mystery, and it takes only to experience it to know how disgusting it really is.
What the fuck have I been doing?!
No, I really need to know!
So I have been broken for awhile, and only dating a half normal man brought it to the surface. I am broken but I didn't know or how badly.
Things that are not normal are normal to me.
The unacceptable, acceptable.
I had a magical experience with a man, and I thought it was a short cut to escaping myself. I thought he was going to give me a job, a new identity, and a new group of friends. I was so greedy and lazy I thought I had hit the easy route to a new self to escape the sins of my own.
(I can't believe I am only realizing this now. I am ashamed.)
When it wasn't breaking down that way I was resentful of the work I had to do to grow myself. I was mad because I was lazy. Pathetic.....
I forced myself where I had no place, instead of getting to know someone at the pace they were comfortable. I pushed and dominated. I smothered and overwhelmed because I had feelings of my own.
I have been selfish and greedy.
I only see this now that it is happening to me. I only realize what is going on because I am fearful of the gangster shit I did and planned out over feeling resentment and misunderstanding.
I was treated great, I was just spoiled.
Now it is happening to me and I have to shut it down because I know how I felt. How irrationals my mind was, and how capable a broken person is of doing harm.
Today I feel like I see a new perspective, because I want more than the one I had. I am no dummy, and I see what I can have or had. I see what I poisoned and what I allowed sunlight to grow. It is what you leave to grow that cultivates the deepest roots.
So I love someone, so what. It is not their problem, but my own. My forcing my feelings on someone/anyone is toxic. There is no mystery, and it takes only to experience it to know how disgusting it really is.
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